Don't Die a Stupid Death: Part II

The first dish I made after moving into my apartment in hilly was some sort f pasta. I remember because upon draining the pasta the resultant steam set off my smoke alarm. I made a note to self that the smoke alarm was ultra sensitive.

Shortly thereafter I attempted to bake something in the oven. Upon turning on the oven to preheat, again the smoke alarm went off. This would not do. So I solved my problem by installing a curtain between my kitchen and the hallway where the smoke alarm resides.

This all worked well until this past weekend. I try to resist turning on the heat for as long as possible because gas heat in Philly is wicked expensive. A problem that is exacerbated by living in a house that is 100+ years old and poorly insulated. But Sunday morning I reach my limit and decided to switch on the heat. A few minutes after the heat started flowing my super sensitive smoke alarm sounded again. I followed my usual drill of fanning the alarm with a cookie sheet since my alarm is located out of reach near my high ceiling. This time, my trick failed however. Thinking the alarm might have been caused by the burn off you get upon first turning on the heat I switched the heat off. And waited, and waited. “Fine, sound all you want,” I thought, “it’s got to stop eventually.” I tried to go about getting ready for church while the alarm wailed, but started to wonder, what would I do? Let it blare for hours while I was away at church?

Finally I called my landlord in desperation. I explained that the alarm would not stop and I didn’t know what to do. He instructed me to open a window immediately. You see, my smoke alarm is also a carbon monoxide detector. Say what? Gas heaters can make CO? How had I missed this in school? He told me to crank the heat up after opening some windows, then call him back.

After hanging up I cracked the kitchen window open and the alarm stopped immediately. Hmmm, should I feel relieved or alarmed? Next I turned the heat back on. Sure enough, within a few minutes the alarm was sounding again. So, I opened more windows and I googled gas heat and CO.

CO is produced as the result of incomplete combustion, which I knew, what I foolishly never realized is that when a gas heater doesn’t get enough O2, it makes CO. Oh. Gas ovens can produce CO too if not properly ventilated. Ooooh. So this is why my oven sets off the smoke alarm. I then realized that for the past three years, every time I pulled the kitchen curtain so I could bake I was trapping myself in with the CO. Brilliant. This is the sort of thing that inspired my former coworkers to nickname me ‘genius’.

The story ended with my landlord coming by to change the filter on my heater so proper air flow could be restored. And me resolving to crack a window when I turn on the oven. And me thanking Jesus for keeping me alive these past 3 years.

The Rules of Dating - for Men

Ever since I turned 25 I have held certain expectations for my dates. I felt that, by the age of 25, men should KNOW certain things about dating. However, my current string of extremely bad dates has taught me that apparently a majority of guys (or at least the ones that date ME) don’t have a clue. So I have composed the following list with the intention of educating such men. However, I don’t know that any men actually read my blog, so I recognize that mostly, this list is just about me venting. Here we go!

1. Before you ask a girl out on date, ask yourself, “Do I actually WANT to make a good impression on her?” If the answer is, “No,” save her and yourself the trouble. Stay home. If the answer is, “Yes,” then read on.


2. Do not lie about yourself prior to meeting. This means you are not allowed to lie about your: age, height, weight, income, marital status, or appearance. Your photo can be considered a lie as well. Two years is the limit on photo age, and it may need to be more recent than that if, since the taking of your photo, you have: gone bald, gained weight, lost an eye, or in some other way significantly altered your appearance.


3. Ask her out on a real date. No playing it off like you are getting together as buddies while secretly telling yourself it’s a date and hoping she’s thinking the same thing. Be a man and be straight about it. If you want to impress her you can’t play games and mess with her head.


4. Do not presume she shares your interests. Surprises are nice when say, you know she loves a certain author, so you get her that author’s newest book. Surprising her with tickets to see a band she has never heard of, say, maybe, Hall & Oates. In the second row. At center stage. Surrounded by 40-something women in their finest going-out attire they picked up at Kohls. Not a good surprise.


5. Shave. Stubble might be sexy on an Abercrombie & Fitch model, but on you it just looks lazy. Same deal for hair. If you are overdue for a haircut, get one before you meet her for the first time. And BTW, that haircut should cost you more than $20.


6. Dress like you care (if you don’t, go back to item #1). If you own one new shirt, wear it. Women can tell. The exception to this is if your newest shirt has something printed on it, like say, wolves, or tree frogs, or Metallica. If you are reading this list, you are not permitted to choose printed shirts. This is also the time to bust out the one pair of jeans/pants that make your butt look good. Add a belt. If you are unsure on any of this ask a close female friend what to wear. Don’t have one of those? Ask your sister or buddy’s girlfriend. She will be thrilled to help. We never really outgrew our Barbies and real lifesize Ken dolls are way more fun than the little plastic ones.


7. Do NOT insult her or yourself. This should be common sense. Then again, so should all of this. Actual lines I’ve heard:
   “Wow, you must be REALLY smart!” This is wrong because it only implies that you think you are not as smart as me. Not a turn on. Not sexy.
   “Unlike you, I have people skills.” This was actually his opener. He had never met me, so where this came from is beyond me. Maybe he thought it was witty? I don’t know.
   “Do you have really bad BO, or what?” This was in response to my revealing that I find good smelling men sexy.
   Instead try repeating this in your head, “I am smart and fabulous. She is smart and fabulous. Together we are even more smart and fabulous.” This attitude: sexy.


8. Better yet pay her a compliment. However, it needs to be the right one. Keep it simple and be honest. “You look nice.” “I like your perfume.” “I really enjoy talking to you.” Avoid the following:
   “Your hair smells good” Comes off stalkerish. Why are you sniffing my hair?
   Avoid comments based on specific features, like feet or ears, it smacks of fetish.
   “Those are great shoes.” Some subjects are in the girl domain. Fingernails, shoes, and handbags are in girl jurisdiction. We don’t expect men to notice or comment on these. If you do, we are apt to suspect you are gay.


9. Do not overshare. Again, some real life examples from within the first three dates.
   “Sorry I had to cancel our date. I’ve been having trouble with my colon.”
   “I have a tough time with women because my ex-wife used to beat me.”
   “I think God brought us to Philly just to meet.”
   Edit. Say it in your head first. Remove the creepy, pathetic, and sad comments.


10. Pay. Yes, it’s old fashioned, but you still have to. Suck it up. If this seems horribly sexist and unfair to you just remember, for our entire lives we will make less money than a man for doing the exact same job. Feel better? Perhaps you don’t make a lot of money and are concerned about affording this. In this case, take her out for coffee. You should be able to swing $2 for her. If you can’t, you’re not ready to date.


11. Clean your car and/or bring cash for a cab/the bus. You need to offer to help get her home and you need to be prepared to follow through. All of the romance of opening the car door for her is instantly killed if she finds old coke bottles and your gym shoes waiting for her in the front seat. (Yes, this happened to me too)


12. Do NOT force her into a kiss. Grabbing her head with both hands to preclude her escape is not acceptable. Neither is inviting yourself into her house under the guise of needing to use the restroom. If you want to kiss her you lean in half way, let her close the remainder of the distance. This gives her the chance to opt for a hug instead.

Come on fellas. Prove me wrong. Show me just how fabulous you really are.